The Road Not Taken

The Best Shows on TV You're Not Watching

2008-10-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I lied when I said that I would regularly be updating this blog. Life got crazy again. Anyway, the blog is back again, but this time with a purpose: to spread the word about three great TV shows in danger of cancellation from the big, bad networks. These three shows are very different, but they also have a lot in common. One is an action-drama, another is an action-comedy, and the third is really in a category undefined. But all three are sophomore shows, back for a second season after abrupt ends due to the writer's strike. All three shows are tremendously original, a traditional TV kiss of death in the world of CSI: Branson. All three saw their ratings plummet following long hiatuses after shortened fall seasons (as long as ten months). All three need saving, so I'll be annoying everyone I know into watching these shows until their ratings are safe, first of all by posting profiles for all three on a blog that no one reads.

A great site for monitoring the status of your favorite shows.

Thoughts on the Lost Finale

2008-06-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

The remarkable journey of Desmond Hume (right) comes to a close.

SPOILER WARNING: Spoilers within...blah blah blah....if you're not caught up on Lost, don't read this.

I have to admit, as the two hours of There's No Place Like Home (Parts 2 and 3) finished, I found myself a bit disappointed. Was I on the edge of my seat literally the whole time? Sure. Were some pivotal questions in the show's mythology finally answered? Absolutely. In the end, though, it is difficult to top the shock at the end of last year's Through the Looking Glass, where the surprise ending revealed a paradigm shift in the show's storytelling with the introduction of flash-forwards. But as I looked back on this episode, I've realized that this season's finale is truly great as well, but for very different reasons.

What is accomplished very well in this episode is the cohesive completion for Season 4's story on the island. However, with the knowledge of the Oceanic Six already given to us by the flash-forwards, it was exciting to find out how they managed to get off the island, and why only those six. The Six started the episode completely separated from each other, but found themselves together through events culminating with Sawyer's dramatic leap from the helicopter and Jin's even more dramatic "death" (back to that in a bit).

While the Oceanic Six getting off the island was clearly a big moment in the Lost story, it was cheapened by the fact we already knew it would happen. Not to disappoint us, though, we got an equally big moment (by my estimation) in the surprise reunion of Desmond and Penelope. Desmond, who quickly became my favorite character after his introduction in Season Two, is Lost's resident time-traveling Odysseus, and although there have only been three "Desmond episodes," his are clearly some of the show's best. The love story of Desmond and Penelope is one of the best on television, as exemplified by this season's creative, emotional, powerfully-acted Desmond episode The Constant. One worry that I have is the potential of this being the end for Desmond on Lost. It does feel poetic to end his story after his reunion with Penny, and Jack's goodbye to him with Desmond's classic line, "I'll see you in another life, brother." perfectly mirrors our introduction to Desmond in Season Two. Being that he is my favorite character, however, I am hoping that Charles Widmore being such a fixture on the show now means that we will see more Desmond and Penelope in the future.

I always liked the character of Micheal on the show and I was very happy when they brought him back. His stay appears to have been short-lived, unfortunately. Christian Shepherd appearing to him, presumably speaking for the island, with the message "You can go now." can certainly be interpreted in multiple ways, but the most obvious one is that the island will finally allow him to die. This interpretation was confirmed by actor Harold Perrineau's recent comments, expressing his disappointment at the outcome for Michael and Walt. While I did feel that Michael was underused in his return, this was a fitting end for his character. In order to redeem himself for the murders of Libby and Ana Lucia committed during Season Two, he saved the Oceanic Six and allowed them to get off the island. Michael's goodbye to Jin was an emotional end to a great friendship. That brings me to another point. There is about a 99.9% chance that Jin is still alive. You just don't shoot that scene where Michael sacrifices himself so that Jin can live, and then have Jin die in the explosion. That is just bad storytelling.

There were still other things great about this episode. Sayid's fight was Keamy was not only a big fanboy moment, but was also choreographed, shot, and executed well enough to be in a movie. The entire Orchid station was very cool-looking artistically, especially the crazy ice cave complete with an ancient-looking wooden wheel to move the island. The whole scene strikes as ridiculous, but in a good way. I seriously expected Ben to find the cave full of polar bears. Wouldn't that explain a lot? Plus, time-travel has officially been introduced into the Lost world, though it's still too early to tell how this will play into the story's burning questions. Finally, Keamy's triumphant return felt straight out of an 80's action movie, and I'm sure everyone watching had that same "You've got to be kidding me" moment.

For me, the flash-forwards were the most disappointing part of the episode. The transition between the "Previously on Lost" showing Jack and Kate at the end of the last year's finale to her stopping the car and backing up for the beginning of this year's finale was simply awesome. It instantly made me excited about the rest of the episode. Plus, we immediately found out who was in the obituary, but, in that typical Lost way, it was a name we didn't recognize. The rest of the flash-forwards were not nearly as interesting and almost felt like filler. All we really learned was that Jeremy Bentham visited the majority (if not all) of the Oceanic Six, as well as Walt, who it was really nice to see again. Having Ben come and talk to Jack in the final scene was a good choice because of the two actor's chemistry, even if the purpose was mainly for some expository dialogue. Finally it was revealed that John Locke was in the coffin and the setup for next season was made when Ben tells Jack they must "all" go back to the island (does this include Desmond? Lapidus? Walt?). Personally, I thought it had grown more obvious as the season went along that it was Locke in the coffin. It was easy after the Season Three finale to narrow the potentials down to Michael, Sawyer, and Locke. As the season went along, Michael and Sawyer's fates became much clearer, and so it almost had to be Locke. In fact, I thought Ben's conversation with Jack before the big reveal completely confirmed it. However, all the Lost fans watching the finale with me were blown away with surprise, so maybe I've just gotten accustomed to the show's narrative patterns.

The big question left for me is how next season's episodes will be structured. It seems inevitable that a new paradigm in the storytelling will be required. The popular theory seems to be that the main story on the show will now come from the lives of Jack and the rest of the Oceanic Six from the point in time after we see Locke in the coffin, with the story focused on convincing everyone and finding a way to go back to the island. The story of what has happened to Locke, Sawyer, Juliet and everyone else on the island in the three years since the island moved would then be told in flashbacks. It would seem difficult to craft episodes in this style in the single-person focused way they have in the past, which would make it a very different show. I suppose we'll find out in January, which is (only) seven months away. I can't wait.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #1

2008-05-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

1. Butters' Very Own Episode (Episode 514, Original Air Date: 12/12/2001)

"Everyone knows it's Butters!" "That's me!"

Plot Synopsis: Butters' mother snaps and tries to kill her son after the revelation that her husband frequents gay bathhouses.

Why This Episode is Great: Because Butters is awesome. Butters appears in the classroom as early as Season One, but it's not until Season Three's Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub that the character was really born. Two seasons later, Butters had become so popular with Parker and Stone that he was given entirely his own episode, complete with its own, hilariously upbeat introduction. This cheerful introduction, complete with the jingle quoted above, is called back throughout the episode, as Butters' situation falls farther and farther into chaos. It is Butters' innate positivity and naivete that really sells this episode. Despite the events witnessed at the White Swallow Bathhouse, it never crosses Butters' mind that his dad might be gay. When his mom tries to kill him by driving him into a lake, Butters remains completely oblivious. The B-story to Butters' journey involves his parents trying to cover up the murder, meeting fellow "innocent victims" the Ramsey's, O.J. Simpson, and Gary Condit. This story works well, but is well overshadowed by Butters' story. When the truth comes crashing down on Butters at the end of the episode, his reaction, along with those of the boys in their only appearance, is classic. This is South Park at its very, very best.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #2

2008-05-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

2. The Death Camp of Tolerance (Episode 614, Original Air Date: 11/20/2002)

Lemmiwinks meets the Sparrow Prince.

Plot Synopsis: When Mr. Garrison learns about discrimination lawsuits, he hires a new teaching assistant named Mr. Slave and tries everything to get fired for being gay. When the students complain, they are sent to sensitivity training. Meanwhile, a gerbil named Lemmiwinks navigates his way through the perilous world of Mr. Slave's body.

Why This Episode is Great: This episode has everything. Commonly referred to as "The Lemmiwinks Episode", The Death Camp of Tolerance owns a secure place at the top of the South Park canon. While it's easy to remember the hilariously random exploits of Lemmiwinks meeting not only the Sparrow Prince, but also the Frog King and the Catatafish, there is much more to this story. The episode preaches a simple message of the difference between tolerance and acceptance, but it is presented fabulously well (pardon the pun) through the outrageous actions of Mr. Garrison. People forget that this episode is also the original introduction of Mr. Slave, probably the best regular character added to the show since Butters in Season 3. Also packed into this episode is a visit for the boys to the title camp, a horrible concentration camp for diversity that throws a lot of quick but effective gags in between updates on Lemmiwinks' quest. This episode is filled to the brim with hilarious content at all sides, while still effectively presenting their message.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #3

2008-05-22T11:58:00.000-07:00

3. Scott Tenorman Must Die (Episode 501, Original Air Date: 7/11/2001)

"Na na na na na na, I made you eat your parents!"

Plot Synopsis: When a young boy makes the transition to manhood, he is blessed with certain physical attributes. In Cartman's case, he gets pubes. After the other boys tell him that pubes don't count unless you grow your own, Cartman realizes he's been tricked. When Scott Tenorman won't give him his money back, Cartman goes medieval on him. Radiohead guest stars and plays a role in Cartman's elaborate plan for revenge.

Why This Episode is Great: For so many reasons. For one, this episode represents the first and still the most shocking example of the depths of evil inside Eric Cartman. The episode does at great job of setting up Cartman to lose, as he is tricked by eighth grader Scott Tenorman again and again. It even seems that Scott has foiled Cartman's ultimate plan for revenge up until the very end, when with a classic bait-and-switch Cartman's real plan is actually revealed. As Stan says in summary, "Dude, remind me never to piss Cartman off ever again."

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #4

2008-05-22T11:14:00.000-07:00

4. Casa Bonita (Episode 711, Original Air Date: 11/12/2003)

Cartman will do anything to go to Casa Bonita. Anything.

Plot Synopsis: Kyle's parents are taking him and three of his friends to Casa Bonita for his birthday. Kyle chooses Stan, Kenny, and Butters to celebrate with him at Colorado's version of a Mexican Disneyland. When Cartman finds out he's not invited, he arranges for Butters to conveniently go "missing."

Why This Episode is Great: Casa Bonita consistently appears in every discussion for the greatest South Park episode. At some point during the course of the show, Matt Stone and and Trey Parker realized that when Butters and Cartman are put together, hilarity ensues. Casa Bonita is the pinnacle of this kind of thinking. In order to prevent Butters from fulfilling his obligation in Kyle's birthday party at Casa Bonita, Cartman convinces Butters that an asteroid is about to hit the earth, and forces him to hide underground. What happens next is a hilarious sequence of Cartman trying to keep Butters assured that the world has ended, complete with a blind trip through post-apocalyptic South Park. Cartman eventually gets his come-uppance at Casa Bonita itself, but the ride through this episode is better than anything the theme park can offer.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #5

2008-05-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

5. Child Abduction is Not Funny (Episode 611, Original Air Date: 7/24/2002)

"Goddamn Mongolians, stop tearing down my shitty wall!"

Plot Synopsis: In an effort to protect their children from kidnappers, the parents of South Park hire the owner and operator of the local City Wok to build a Great Wall around the city.

Why This Episode is Great: Ah, racial stereotypes. South Park has a wonderful way of lovingly embracing them. This episode introduced the world to the "Shitty" Wok guy, who probably has a Chinese name that no one knows and few can pronounce. When he's not serving "shitty" beef and "shitty" chicken from his restaurant, he is building the town's new "shitty" wall to protect South Park not only from potential child abductors, but also those "goddamn Mongolians!" For all of its years, this is without a doubt my most quoted South Park episode (The Loch Ness Monster speeches in #8 The Succubus come in a close second). This also happens to be a great Tweek episode, one of those wonderful, long-lost South Park characters who no longer appear in the recent episodes. Who wouldn't have been duped by "The Ghost of Human Kindness"? This episode is easily deserving of its Top 5 status.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #6

2008-05-21T13:05:00.000-07:00

6. Woodland Critter Christmas (Episode 814, Original Air Date: 12/15/2004)

The most disturbing South Park of all time?

Plot Synopsis: Stan is approached by a group of adorable woodland critters and asked to help them build a manger in anticipation of the birth of their Lord and Savior. Stan complies, only to find out that they serve Satan.

Why This Episode is Great: For the reveal pictured above. This episode, masked as a all-too-familiar type of Christmas special, saves the revelation that the cute little critters are actually evil minions of Satan until the first act break, complete with the live sacrifice of "Rabbity" and a nice woodland blood orgy. At first watch, this was probably the most hilarious single moment in South Park history. I distinctly remember my mouth being held agape for the entire commercial break. Fortunately, the outrageous moments don't stop there, and soon we're teaching mountain lion cubs how to perform an abortion so they can D&C the anti-christ out of poor "heathen Jew" Kyle's ass. I'm offended in multiple ways just typing that.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #7

2008-05-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

7. Red Hot Catholic Love (Episode 608, Original Air Date: 7/3/2002)

"All hail the great Queen Spider"

Plot Synopsis: A sexual-abuse scandal involving priests hits South Park, and is taken all the way to the Vatican. In absolutely no connection, Cartman craps out of his mouth.

Why This Episode is Great: The Catholic sexual abuse scandal quickly became an easy target, but South Park seemed to tackle it more outrageously than anyone else. Father Maxi's exasperating quest begins when he discovers he is the only priest that doesn't have sex with young boys and brings him all the way to the Vatican where he meets the Gelgemecs ("The Gelgemec vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth!") and, of course, the mighty Queen Spider (above). That's not even mentioning the B-story, where Cartman discovers that through a feat of reverse digestion, if you shove food up your ass, you crap out your mouth. What makes this episode special is the way both storylines are tied together in the end with the kind of blunt, yet poignant message that South Park has become known for. Oh, and you get to see Martha Stewart shove a whole turkey up her ass. That's pretty special too.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #8

2008-05-19T20:14:00.000-07:00

8. The Succubus (Episode 303, Original Air Date: 4/21/1999)

"I ain't giving you no three-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster!"

Plot Synopsis: It's wedding bells for Chef! He has finally found the girl of his dreams. But the boys feel like they've lost their best friend. The festivities begin as Chef's parents arrive from Scotland fresh from an encounter with the Loch Ness Monster.

Why This Episode is Great: For one big reason: Chef's parents. The Loch Ness Monster stories were side-splittingly hilarious back in 1999, and still so almost 10 years later. But there are many other great things about this episode: Cartman's visits to the eye doctor ("There's my little piggy..."), the one-episode-and-done replacement chef Mr. Durp, and the boys staying up all night learning "Morning After" backwards. It is the oldest episode on this list, and the one that made me realize how much I love this show.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #9

2008-05-19T19:54:00.000-07:00

9. Fat Butt and Pancake Head (Episode 705, Original Air Date: 4/16/2003)

Cartman, the lengths to which you will go...

Plot Synopsis: One of Cartman's body parts becomes famous overnight and rivals the opularity of another superstar. The real "Jenny from the Block" is enraged to learn that a new "Diva" has stolen her record deal and her boyfriend. Taco kisses!

Why This Episode is Great: This episode is the first of several examples on this list of the depths of Cartman's insanity. It all starts with the completely ridiculous concept that Cartman's hand is Jennifer Lopez. I'll let that sink in for a second. But soon Cartman's spicy, taco-loving Ms. Lopez has a new hit album and is fellating (sort of?) Ben Affleck. By the end of the episode, not only does Kyle begin to question whether Cartman is faking, but you likely are as well. Finally, the surprise payoff at the end of the episode is classic Cartman. Another great episode.

Walker's Top 10 Favorite South Park Episodes, #10

2008-05-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

Is South Park my favorite TV show of all time? Probably. It is certainly the show that I have watched for the longest with the most consistency. Lately I've been throwing around that such-and-such episode is in my "Top 5" or "Top 10" or "Top 3", but I've never bothered to compile the list. It was much harder than I imagined. It started with a "short" list of 20 episodes (out of the total 174 and counting) that I considered top-tier, that I slowly had to whittle down to 10. Without further ado...

Poor Token can't stand being the only rich person in South Park...

10. Here Comes the Neighborhood (Episode 512, Original Air Date: 11/28/2001)

Plot Synopsis: Token is being picked on for being the oly rich kid in town. Feeling like an outcase, Token succeeds in attracting several other wealthy people to South Park. Meanwhile, the townspeople, fearing that their little hamlet is rapidly going up the drain, attempt to run the new residents out of town.

Why This Episode is Great: Matt Stone and Trey Parker have gone on record saying they don't understand why people think this episode is so clever and funny. The truth is that tackling race in comedy is often so taboo that even a mechanic as simple as substituting "black" with "rich" in Token's plight comes off as edgier likely than they believe. Not to mention the ways in which they correlating the story to racism are completely hilarious. "Let's go burn a lower-case T in their front yard to tell those Richers it's "time to go," says Mr. Garrison. And of course, when Will Smith opens the door and sees the burning lower-case T on his lawn, he responds naturally saying "A lower-case T! That means it's time to go!" Absolutely hilarious, even if not particularly "clever."

The Blog is BACK

2008-05-19T19:18:00.001-07:00

After a year long hiatus, I believe that I am ready to contribute regularly to this blog again. However, the content will be somewhat different from here in. Firstly, I am not nearly egotistical enough to believe that anyone gives one hot shit about the banalities of my every day life. However, I am enough of an egotistical jackass to believe that some people might be interested in my opinions. Thus, subsequent entries will be filled with opinions about anything I care about, namely movies, TV, video games, politics, religion, philosophy, etc. Expect many reviews and Top 10 lists in the future. Get excited, people.

Miracle Quiz: Elijah, Elisha, or Jesus?

2007-04-22T12:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, everyone, and welcome to America's hot new game show, "Name That Miracle". I'm your host, Walker Brooks, and today we will tour some of the major miracles of Judaism and Christianity. You all know how this works: for today's category, I'll give you a miracle, and you have to tell me who performed it. It's quite simple, folks. (Oh, and if you want to know the answer, just highlight below the question. Piece of cake.) You guys ready? Then let's get on with the show!

Today's Category: Elijah, Elisha, or Jesus?

Q1: Who turned water into wine?

A: Jesus, obviously. An easy one for you guys to start off with. When the wedding ran out of wine, Jesus changed the water into wine. Curiously, this miracle is only described in the highly dubious Gospel of John (John 2: 1-11)

Q2: Who allowed a widow and her infant son to eat for many days off of a single bin of flour?

A: Elijah. The widow took Elijah in despite having very little food left for herself and her son. But she and her family were able to eat for many days on just a single bin of flour (1 Kings 17: 13-16).

Q3: Who fed over 100 men using only 20 loaves of bread?

A: Elisha. It's easy to think of Jesus here; Jesus fed 5000 men with a few fish and a few loaves of bread (Matt. 14: 13-21). Elisha fed the 100 men with the 20 loaves of bread with some left over (2 Kings 4: 42-44).

Q4: Who exorcised a demon from a possessed boy?

A: Jesus. Jesus performed many, many exorcisms as part of his ministry, this being just a single example in which the demon caused a boy's epilepsy (Matt. 17: 14-21). There is very little mention of Satan and his demons in the Hebrew Scriptures, and thus Elijah and Elisha perform no exorcisms.

Q5: Who cursed a fig tree and caused it to wither and die?

A: Jesus (Matt. 21: 18-19). Jesus woke up hungry and, upon finding a fig tree, walked toward it hoping to find food. However, the tree had no fruit, to which Jesus said "Let no fruit grow on you ever again," and the tree withered and died.

Q6: Who, upon insult, summoned two female bears to maul and devour 42 children?

A: Elisha (2 Kings 2:23-25). While traveling, a group of youths mocked Elisha and called him a "baldhead" (KJV). Elisha cursed the youths, and two bears came out of the woods and mauled the youths. Nice story.

Q7: Who curses a boy for scattering the water he collected, causing the boy to "turn into a corpse."

A: Jesus. This one is slightly unfair. The source of this story is the Infancy Gospel of Thomas, not to be confused with the Gospel of Thomas. This gospel tells many stories of an adolescent Jesus who is both arrogant and sometimes even vicious. The gospel also includes a story in which Jesus curses a boy who bumps into him, and the boy dies, as well as a story in which he strikes blind the neighbors of Mary and Joseph. It is believed to have been written in the middle to late second-century AD, approximately 100 years after the death of Jesus and 50 years after the last canonical gospel, the Gospel of John, was written.

Q8: Who multiplied a single jar of oil so that a widow could sell it to pay off her debts?

A: Elisha (2 Kings 4: 1-7). A creditor was coming to take away the widow's sons as slaves to pay her debt, and Elisha told the woman to take a single jar of oil and use it to fill numerous empty vessels. She was able to sell the oil to pay off the debt.

Q9: Who cured a man of leprosy?

A: Elisha and Jesus. Elisha heals the leprosy of the commander of the army of Syria, Naaman (2 Kings 5: 13-15). Jesus healed a number of lepers in the four gospels, with one example occurring at Matt. 8: 1-4.

Q10: Who raised a child from the dead?

A: Elijah, Elisha, and Jesus. After helping a widow eat for many days on a single bin of flour, Elijah revived her infant son (1 Kings 17: 17-23). Elisha revived the son of Gehazi by laying on top of him (2 Kings 4: 32-34). Jesus raised numerous people from the dead, but in particular he raised the son of a widow with only his words (Luke 7: 11-17).

Q11: Who was carried up into heaven by a whirlwind?

A: Elijah (2 Kings 2:11). As Biblical events go, the ascension of Elijah into heaven was quite dramatic. "Then it happened, as they continued on and talked, that suddenly a chariot of fire appeared with horses of fire, and separated the two of them; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven." By contrast, the ascension of Jesus is simply stated rather than described: "So then, after the Lord had spoken to them, He was received up into heaven, and sat down at the right hand of God." (Mark 16:19). It's important to note that the ascension of Elijah is a hot topic for controversy in Christian traditions. The Gospel of John quotes Jesus as to saying that none have gone to heaven other than the Son of Man (i.e. Jesus himself). Thus, Elijah being assumed into heaven contradicts this claim as well as the theological importance of the resurrection of Jesus.

Q12: Who was resurrected from the dead.

A: Jesus (Matt. 28: 1-28 among others). Again, an easy one. It is important to note that the return of Elijah (he can't really be resurrected since he never really died) is expected to happen in many Jewish and Christian traditions. Some Jews believe that the second coming of Elijah will precede the coming of the Messiah. Many Catholic theologians think that Elijah will return to Earth to physically die as one of the two witnesses of the Book of Revelation.

That concludes our quiz. Count up your number of correct answers and place them in the following rubric:

10-12: You know your Christian New Testament as well as the Hebrew Scriptures. Good job. However, as a consequence of your scholarship comes skepticism. No doubt you've already discarded any belief in the divinity of Jesus, and have embraced either atheism, or fallen into a mixture of general monism or agnosticism.
7-9: Not a bad score. You're likely either a very devout Christian who really knows their Jesus, or a Jew who has always been aware of the similarities in these stories. Hopefully now you understand that the miracles of Jesus are not enough to distinguish him from the Old Testament prophets, and are open-minded enough to accept it.
4-6: Most likely the average score. You're probably a normal Christian who has better-than-average knowledge of the story of Jesus, but only because you're a regular at Sunday School. You find the results of this quiz slightly unnerving, but resolve to find other ways the reaffirm the divinity of Jesus outside of his miracles.
0-3: You're possibly an ignorant atheist or a follower of an eastern religion. However, most likely you're just a brainwashed Christian who was dragged to church every Sunday as a kid, conditioned into believing that everything in the Bible is true, despite the fact that you've never read more than a few pages of it. You spend most of your time judging other races, watching Nascar, and attending Bush rallies. You probably didn't finish the quiz, have already called me a heathen several times, and aren't reading these words.

Thank you for playing. Good night, everybody.

Walker's Top Ten Video Games of All Time

2007-04-05T20:27:00.000-07:00

Recently, I forced whoever actually reads this thing to suffer through my top ten movies of 2006. However, as you likely know, along with movies my other love/obsession is video games. With the recent release of The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess on the Wii, I've been often asked if the game lived up to the hype, and how good it really is. In all honesty, there is only one way to evaluate how good a Zelda game really is: by ranking it among my favorite video games of all time. So, without further ado, here's the list:

10. Resident Evil 4 (GameCube, Capcom, 2005) - I had always thought the Resident Evil series was a lot of fun. They combined the campy stories of B-quality horror movies with great action and ridiculous, yet clever item puzzles. However, there was one flaw that kept Resident Evil good rather than great, and that was the control. Capcom always claimed that the fixed camera and clunky controls helped add some of the "horror" to survival horror, but it was hard to take this game seriously. Resident Evil 4 changed all of that. Capcom completely retooled the camera and the controls, added bigger monsters, better scares, and the prettiest graphics on the GameCube. Thus, RE4 is arguably the best game on the system.

9. The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past (Super Nintendo, Nintendo, 1991) - You will quickly notice a Nintendo theme in this list, and particularly a Zelda theme, and there's a reason: Nintendo is filled with the most talented game developers in the world. After the disaster that was Zelda II, A Link to the Past defined the modern Zelda game. Crazy, convoluted dungeons? Check. A ridiculous amount of items and tools? Check. Two huge worlds to explore? Got that too. Without A Link to the Past, no later Zelda game, particularly those on this list, would exist.

8. Metroid Prime (GameCube, Retro Studios, 2002) - I will admit: Metroid was one of those series I missed during the days of the NES and the SNES. When I become older, I retroactively played through Super Metroid and enjoyed it throughly. But not as much as Metroid Prime. It was easy to be skeptical when I found out they were going to transform the side-scrolling adventures of the Metroid series into a first-person shooter. But somehow, Retro Studios found the correct balance of adventure, puzzles, and shooting to capture Metroid in 3D. Very few old series have made the transfer into 3D so seamlessly.

7. Super Mario Bros. 3 (NES, Nintendo, 1990) - The oldest game on this list, Super Mario Bros. 3 is the culmination of the classic 2D Mario sidescrollers. SMB3 introduced many revolutions to the Mario series. It was at least five times as long as the original Super Mario Bros. A huge variety of power-ups were introduced in addition to the traditional fire flower, including to the ever-popular raccoon suit that allowed Mario to fly. It's easy to argue that SMB3 has never been surpassed by any 2D Mario game, and that's more than enough for it to make this list.

6. Goldeneye 007 (Nintendo 64, Rareware, 1997) - While first-person shooters may have been invented on PC's a few years prior, and were not made totally mainstream until the advent of Halo (not on this list), it was Nintendo and Rare taking a huge chance on the James Bond license that made developers and gamers alike see the future of this new genre. If you go back and play it now, Goldeneye 007 does not hold up particularly well. But while objective-based levels, gadgets, and splitscreen multiplayer seem like standards now, it was this game that invented those standards.

5. Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty (Playstation 2, Konami, 2001) - Metal Gear was another one of those series I missed as a kid. Unlike Metroid, retroactively playing the old Metal Gear games did not translate so well for me. However, it's impossible to deny the appeal of the modern MGS franchise. MGS2 integrated the classic stealth gameplay that made the original Metal Gear Solid so revolutionary, with a movie-quality storyline that keeps you guessing at every turn. Such high-quality action gameplay is a big reason why Metal Gear Solid quickly elevated itself into a video game power franchise.

4. The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (Wii, Nintendo, 2006) - And here we are: a very impressive showing from Nintendo's latest Zelda entry at #4. It's really hard to find anything wrong with a game like Twilight Princess. The classic Zelda gameplay is all there. It's easy to say that it borrows too much from past iterations of the franchise, but what it borrows is what makes Zelda better than any other gaming franchise out there. Like games before it, Twilight Princess contains beautiful and cleverly-designed dungeons, epic boss battles, and an unrivaled, expansive world to explore. Nintendo does try to freshen the experience by adding more mature graphics, a stronger presentation complete with a much better-illustrated storyline, and some new items that will surprise even hardcore Zelda fans. And then, of course, there are the Wii controls, which are intuitive and make the game all the more immersive. Also, the experience extends between 40 and 50 hours, easily matching and surpassing more recent entries in the franchise. Buy a Wii and get this game.

3. Super Mario 64 (Nintendo 64, Nintendo, 1996) - What can be said about Mario 64 that hasn't been said a thousand times before? Super Mario 64 ushered in the era of 3D video games, and it did it with a seamless transition of gaming's most classic franchise. By today's standards, the graphics are simple, the environments bland, and the system of proceeding level-by-level collecting stars is incredibly formulaic. But that's the point: Super Mario 64 invented the formula. Super Mario 64 is one of those games that you remember where you were the first time you played it. You had never seen anything like it before. Controlling Mario in 3D-space felt perfect, and the platforming action had not felt better since Super Mario Bros. 3. Even today, it's one of the most fun games to just pick up and play. A classic.

2. Final Fantasy VII (Playstation, Squaresoft, 1997) - It's easy to see how Square's FF7 changed the video game industry. Before FF7, RPG's were something only popular in Japan. It was rare that Japanese developers even bothered to translate an RPG - Americans would never buy it. Final Fantasy VII changed all of that. Deep characters drive my favorite video game storyline of all time. There is no more powerful moment in a video game than when Aeris is killed by Sephiroth. You spend the first 10-20 hours of the game tucked within this huge, industrial metropolis, only to leave and discover the massive world surrounding it. This game is massive, likely taking 60-70 hours to reach the end the first time through. And you'll definitely never want it to end.

1. The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (Nintendo 64, Nintendo, 1998) - This game is impossible to describe. It revolutionized the Zelda franchise with the transformation into 3D. It wowed you with huge dungeons, a massive real-time overworld that required a horse to traverse with any kind of efficiency, epic boss battles, a classic story of good vs. evil. The game's time travel mechanic, allowing you to move back and forth in the seven years between young and adult Link, you could witness the transformation of Hyrule due to Ganondorf's rise to power. Link never speaks, and yet Nintendo manages to weave a beautiful story through their use of music and facial expressions where you can feel the genuine relationships between the characters. IEveryone, video game fan or not, should play this game. Buy a Wii and buy it for $10 off of the Wii Shop Channel. Buy a GameCube and borrow my GameCube version. It is impossible to imagine a game so perfect that it could topple Ocarina of Time from its throne. Greatest game ever made.

2007-04-05T20:04:00.000-07:00

On Prayer

Time for an anecdote. Ever since I was very young, and continuing still today at age 20, my parents have insisted on either my brother or I blessing the food at the dinner table. This traditionally, and entirely by force of habit, is done by a rhyme, two different memorized prayers that each of us learned very early in our lives. The rhymes are short, easy to remember, and almost certainly very cute when recited by anyone under the age of ten. Now by no means am I condemning my parents for this practice. In fact, it is hardly different from the experience at church every Sunday.

I should probably explain. Obviously, the meat of any common (Christian) church service is the sermon. However, at least in churches that I am familiar with, the sermon is usually sandwiched by a series of “prayers.” I put that in quotes for a very specific reason.

There are two common types of prayers that I am accustomed to seeing in a church setting. The first, and probably most common, is a group prayer where one prayer leader is speaking and everyone else has their head down and their eyes closed. I remember being told when I was young that the idea of group prayer was a sort of amplification of what was being said; even though only one person was speaking the words, as long as your head was down it counted for you too. But honestly, how strange is this practice? Half the people with their heads down are probably only half-listening to what the speaker says. One thing I find interesting is an oft-unmentioned trust factor in group prayer. What if the speaker says something that you don’t agree with? Do you go back in your mind and say, “Oh God? ….yeah….that last part? That was all him, not me.” Or do you accept it, because he is the guy speaking? “Hell,” you think, “if I knew more about Jesus, I’d be the one up there praying for everybody.”

The second type is very common in “my” church (a Presbyterian church), though I’m not sure how common it still is in churches more separated from Catholicism. I call this second type “chanting,” because that is what I feel like it is. To clarify, chanting is when the prayer is printed, and the congregation reads it in unison. I must say, I despise this type of prayer the most, even more than memorized rhymes (which I’ll deal with a minute, despite opening with it). Not only does chanting bring up all the same questions as group prayer does (except I suppose, if you disagree with something, you can just keep your mouth shut during that part), but chanting also feels so much like obedience training that I’m ready to start killing complete strangers with electric-shock therapy (Wiki: Milgram experiment). It’s to no fault of the congregation; try reading printed words aloud right now. Read the words of this paragraph aloud. And don’t forget to do it slowly, as if dozens of other people are reading it with you. You will sound drone and monotone, just like the chanting in my church. And most importantly, you won’t be able to capture the meaning of a bit of it. It is a mindless activity, which praying should never be.

After all that, there is very little to address about the memorized rhymes I referred to at the beginning of this essay. I understand the idea that they are convenient tools used to accustom small children to the idea of prayer. My thoughts about young children and religion are the topic for another, more complicated essay. But this practice especially, along with the others described above, do nothing more than cheapen prayer. The most common memorized prayer is repeated by the young and old alike, in Christian churches everywhere: the Lord’s Prayer (Matthew 6: 9-13). In my church, this prayer is recited at every service, lead into by the words (paraphrase) “the prayer Jesus taught his disciples to pray.” This statement is misleading. This is what Jesus actually said:

”This, then, is how you should pray:” (Matthew 6:9, NIV)

Jesus said “how,” not “what.” The Lord’s Prayer was meant to be a template for how we should talk to God. Instead, it has become an overused set of words, memorized by millions, doing serious harm to the meaning. Think about when you stare at any word on this page for too long. At some point, it no longer looks like a word, or even a series of letters, but random strokes of pixels. The meaning is lost.

Now before I get started on what I think prayer should be, I would like to clear a few things up. I can just see a handful of you reading this, dying to explain to me that religions other than Christianity pray in the same ways against which I have strong issues. By condemning prayer practices in Christianity, I am, by no means, advocating any other religion. As many of you know, I have yet to find an established religion that I feel I can agree enough with to call myself a member. But, in the end, Christianity is what I am familiar with, and so I use it as an example for what I see as a larger problem that concerns all religions.

I have to credit my friend Akram Alami for giving me the inspiration to write this essay about prayer by recently citing this verse:

“And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.” - Matthew 6: 5-8, KJV

I like the King James translation, which is more specific, whereas the NIV translation makes Jesus’ words here much more vague. I take away from these words that prayer should be private, honest, and most importantly personal. Some of my most fulfilling religious epiphanies have occurred outside, late at night, alone, under the stars, where I talk to God. And by talking to God, I do not merely mean conversationally. As I’m sure some reading are familiar with, such prayers are sincerely emotional and greatly confessional. It is in these moments that you truly realize how unworthy you are of God’s grace, and how wonderful He really is. This will never be accomplished by the prayers that I have described above.

By taking the opinion that prayer should be private, some of you may be asking if I am advocating taking prayer out of church entirely. The answer is no. I think there should be prayer in a church service, but only as a moment of silence, where you can speak your own prayer to God. I think that we should eliminate these practices that cheapen prayer. There is very little reason that one should be compelled to sit in some crappy restaurant (or dining hall) and speak a few words to God about the food. God has more important things to worry about than the forthcoming unsavory situation in your bowels. Quality over quantity, folks. I imagine the switchboard is pretty busy, anyway. On a more serious note, I believe that church leaders should encourage people to have these private, intimate prayers away from the church setting. It is through these types of prayers that one truly begins to understand God’s greatness.

Walker's Top Ten Movies of 2006

2007-02-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. Those of you who know me know that I'm a bit of a movie buff. Thus, with The Oscars quickly approaching, I'm sure you would all like to know: what are Walker's favorite movies of 2006. Well ask and you shall receive. Here we go....

10. Babel - I seriously considered leaving this movie off of my list altogether. There are some worthy candidates waiting in the wings (Deja Vu, Casino Royale). Honestly, I thought this Golden Globe-winner for Best Picture and certaintly the Oscar frontrunner was really, really slow. Babel was at its best when it eventually got to its point. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen until the last 15 minutes of the movie.

9. The Pursuit of Happyness - Will Smith's feel-good movie may seem incredibly base in principle, but that doesn't prevent it from being particularly heartwarming and inspirational. Smith's great performance has you cheering for Chris Gardner from the very beginning. And, even though you know how the movie will end, it makes it all the more impressive that the story is true.

8. Stranger Than Fiction - You will notice that Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby is not on this list. While Will Ferrell's big comedy blockbuster of 2006 was funny, in my opinion it was just Anchorman with a much weaker cast and lots of redneck jokes. Which brings us to Stranger Than Fiction, Ferrell's other 2006 comedy in which he takes significantly more chances. Fiction proves that Ferrell can also command subtle comedy in addition to the in-your-face manchild he plays in Anchorman. Throw in a great, clever story and a hilarious performance from Dustin Hoffman and you have a movie that not nearly enough people saw.

7. Thank You For Smoking - 2006 was a great year for fans of clever, subtle, satirical comedies (two more coming up). Aaron Eckhart drives this movie, one in which the good guys are the tobacco industry, and Smoking piles up the satire several levels deep. An ensemble cast with Rob Lowe, Katie Holmes, and Robert Duvall easily make this one of the funniest movies of the year.

6. The Departed - I'll be the first to admit it: I am not a huge fan of mafia movies. I've seen The Godfather, but only the first one. I've never even seen Scorsese's mafia calling card, Goodfellas. However, unlike Godfather, The Departed tells the stories of Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon's rat triangle at a lightning-quick pace. Oh, also, Jack Nicholson is crazy. And it's perfect for his role as the mob boss. I also loved the hilarious, curse-a-minute Boston banter, particularly from Mark Wahlberg (who was crazy enough in small doses in this movie to get a Best Supporting Actor nomination from the Academy). And the ending. Wow. You just have to see this movie.

5. V for Vendetta - The Wachowski Brothers are back. After ruining The Matrix with those two awful sequels (don't even try to argue that they didn't), they return to great form with V for Vendetta. A movie about a fascist English regime in an apocalyptic world really could not be more timely. But aside from politics, the movie manages to captivate you with Hugo Weaving's V, whose face you never see through his Guy Fawkes mask. In fact, his mouth does not even move when he talks. Not to mention, the special effects and action sequences make this a pretty good popcorn movie as well.

4. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan - How can you not love that title? Borat makes a strong argument for being the funniest movie this year (but not on this list-see #3). You can't deny Sasha Baron Cohen's genious. By acting as the racist, sexist Kazakhstani reporter, he manages to uncover and satirize the bigotry of everyday Americans. And that is the best part of Borat: whether producers lied to the movie's participants or not, the real thoughts of real Americans are exposed in this movie. And it doesn't paint a pretty picture.

3. Little Miss Sunshine - While Borat comes relatively close, you cannot top Little Miss Sunshine as the best comedy of the year. In fact, Little Miss Sunshine is the best comedy in several years. Little Miss Sunshine is a Griswalds-esque road trip movie where the laughs are both obvious and subtle. Sunshine has yet another great cast, featuring Steve Carell (genious) and Greg Kinnear. As expected, things really begin to come apart for the Hoover family as the movie progresses with hilarious results. But more than that, what remains unsaid in this movie will leave you chuckling long after you see it.

2. Dreamgirls - I really, really hope Dreamgirls doesn't get slighted at the Oscars because it's a musical. This movie, loosely based on the life and career of Diana Ross and The Supremes, is terrific. The ensemble cast features Beyonce Knowles, Jamie Foxx, and Eddie Murphy, but the real star is Jennifer Hudson, an American Idol cast-off in her first movie role. Her big musical number in the middle of the movie will knock you down and leave everyone in the audience cheering. Eddie Murphy is also charismatic and hilarious, fully deserving of the Best Supporting Actor Oscar. It has a great story and you will be humming the music for weeks.

1. Pan's Labyrinth - Don't let the fact that this movie is entirely in Spanish (with subtitles) deter you from seeing what is, in my opinion, the best movie of 2006. Set in fascist Spain during World War II, Pan's Labyrinth is the story of a young girl, Ofelia, forced into a terrible situation when her pregnant mother marries the mercilessly evil Captain Vidal. Ofelia escapes the horrors surrounding her through a magical world concealed by a nearby ruined maze. The story of this movie simply overpowers you. Beneath the intense politcal conflict between Vidal and a group of rebels hiding in the mountains is Ofelia's journey to accomplish the fantastical tasks given to her by a mysterious faun. And when it ends, you might very easily be in tears. Without a doubt, Pan's Labyrinth is the best movie I saw all year.

Honorable Mention

Clerks II - Some say Kevin Smith has lost it. In fact, most critics did in reviews of Clerks II. And yes, Clerks II is very crude, and sometimes downright childish. But it is also incredibly funny. Clerks II shines when its characters are rambling on about nothing, and these moments produce some huge laughs. However, it slows whenever it gets into telling its story, and that's why it doesn't make the list.

Deja Vu - In my opinion, Deja Vu was the best all-action popcorn movie of 2006. I won't spoil any of the story by telling you what it's about, but the action will definitely keep you interested. It just wasn't enough to make the list.

X-Men: The Last Stand - For what it is, this movie is great. After the first two fantastic movies, the creators took some chances with this one. The Logan/Jean Grey story is more interesting than any subplot in the previous two movies. The ending sequence is incredibly entertaining. However, what gives with this movie only being 90 minutes long? For the price of admission, a blockbuster action film like X-Men should run much closer to two hours, at least. Feeling short-changed with the time in this movie was disappointing enough to keep it off my list.

Other Notable Omissions

Casino Royale - You were close. You really were. I loved the first hour of this movie. Daniel Craig makes a fantastic James Bond. He takes all the campiness out of the character and replaces it with a subtle coolness. However, I was disappointed by the lack of a true Bond villain. Without giving too much away, the movie ends suddenly leaving you wondering why they wasted so much time not revealing the true villain. Other than that, good movie, and highly recommended.

The Da Vinci Code - Ron Howard, did you really have to go so strictly by the book? This isn't Lord of the Rings. You're not going to have rabid fans chasing you if you leave out some parts. There's a reason Dan Brown's chapters are so short. And what it translates to on film is a very boring movie. Read the book. Actually, scratch that. Read Angels and Demons, Dan Brown's far superior novel.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest - How did Disney do it? How did Disney ruin this franchise after the original Pirates was so great? Hated this movie. Especially the ridiculous ending.

Talledega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby - See Stranger Than Fiction. Not funny.

Superman Returns - Everything about this movie was terrible. It was way too long (something crazy like 150 minutes). Brandon Routh and Kate Bosworth looked like stick figures throughout the whole thing. The story was retarded. The only decent action/special effect sequence was in the first 15 minutes of the film. Avoid it.

And there you have it. I won't put you through any more.

The Legend of the Blueberry-Scented Eraser

2006-12-13T09:55:00.000-08:00

A long time ago, when P.Chem was but a far-off mystery and classes were hard because they were supposed to be, there lived a boy named Walker. It was a simpler time. It was a better time. But most importantly, it was finals time. Young Walker was studying tirelessly for his exams, unaware of the impossible task before him. Impossible, at least, for Walker alone. Then tragedy struck. The erasers on all of Walker’s pencils had rubbed away to the brim. “Oh no!” cried Walker in despair. “What if I make a mistake? How will I ever fix my answers?” All seemed lost. But wait: out of the corner of Walker’s eye, a long-forgotten box of school supplies. There was hope yet. And little did Walker know, within this box, lying ever so patiently, was our hero…

Walker had never noticed the blueberry-scented eraser before. Its overpowering, fruity smell caught him very much off guard. But he was out of options. And so, for the first time, the blueberry-scented eraser was placed in Walker’s pocket on his way to his first exam: organic chemistry. And it went well. Very well, in fact. Walker could have never understood the true power of the eraser at this point. But lucky for him, Walker was superstitious. And so our hero remained in Walker’s pocket for genetics; for physics; for differential equations; and for latin. And curiously, Walker felt the fears of this hellish schedule alleviated. Against all odds, Walker made straight A’s that semester, in what has since become known as ‘The Miracle of Ehringhaus.’ But more importantly, it strengthened Walker’s fears of a sacred power within this tiny eraser..

Semesters passed. Each year before finals, the blueberry-scented eraser would be withdrawn from its case, and safely returned a week later. Walker was indeed scared of the eraser’s power, but he could not pull himself away from its promise of good grades. Until one fateful day. Finals were starting, and Walker had no thoughts of the blueberry-scented eraser. He thought, at least this semester, he could handle finals alone. And so the eraser remained in its case. Like Adam and Eve before him, Walker proudly and foolishly thought he could survive on his own. And at his P.Chem exam, the blueberry-scented eraser smoted Walker. Never had Walker experienced such a terrible exam. He was eternally humbled. And since that day, the blueberry-scented eraser never left his pocket.

From where did the blueberry-scented eraser gain its power? No one really knows. Some say it was scented by Socrates himself, who had quite a penchant for blueberries. But what is certain is this: whoever carries it is helpless under its power, and cannot abandon it for fear of its vengeance. As for Walker? They say he went insane under the pressure of finals. In fact, if you were to ever travel to the deepest, darkest corner of Davis Library, you would indeed find him; studying tirelessly, endlessly, clutching desperately at the blueberry-scented eraser. You may try to help him, comfort him, or tell him that he will do fine. But your work will be in vain. For the sad fact is that truthfully, for Walker, finals ended long ago.

Fin

On Morality

2006-07-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

C.S. Lewis described morality as (paraphrase) this curious idea inside of all of us that none of us can seem to get rid of. By Lewis’s definition, every person has an instinctive idea of what is right and wrong. He defines this moral compass, if you will, as the divine inside of us. If God is defined as all that is good, then the piece of Himself that He left inside of us was the ultimate moral standard.

Now I don’t seem to think that this moral compass is absolute and always applicable. For instance, I don’t think there’s specifically an instinct in each of us that says whether abortion is right or wrong. I feel it is more elemental. Take the seven deadly sins. Envy, gluttony, sloth, wrath, lust, vanity, greed. These are all very elemental evils. When you think of sin as we often do, it is generally a combination of these evils (perhaps more, but for the sake of example). What often get lost are the elements on the opposite pole of the compass. Good will. Charity. Kindness. Compassion. Love. These elements are just as important in determining the things we do, and whether they are morally right or wrong.

What bothers me about Christianity is the focus on the wrong end of the compass. Christianity, as it is taught, is a religion not of what you should do, but what you shouldn’t do. We tell our children not to lie or steal. Why? Because the Bible says so. Moreover, because of the threat of hellfire and damnation. The term “God-fearing” was often used as a compliment in the past for good Christian men and women, but is that truly what we should strive for? God should be respected, surely, but feared? I’m afraid such feelings completely miss the point.

God should be loved. I’m not saying that because the Bible says so. I’m saying that because I know God loves me, not by reading it in some book but by talking to Him every day. Yet so many people are so afraid. Christianity has created a culture in fear of sin.

This is such a dangerous mindset. People, deemed sinful in nature, are afraid of themselves. Sometimes they even try to shift the blame. “That wasn’t me, God, I didn’t do it. It was Satan, it’s all his fault. He tempted me, I should have been stronger.” They hide behind this scapegoat, this mythical evil figure, afraid not only to stand up to God, but to the evil inside of them.

And it’s this fear of what they might do that causes people to shelter themselves. The Bible teaches that Christians should love thy neighbor, and help people in need. Instead, Christian society hides in fear from those they deem sinful, when the Bible teaches they are in the most need of help. Homosexuals and Muslims, both damned by accepted Christian teachings, are oppressed and ostracized by society, all because Christians are insecure in their moral fiber. What if the homosexuality rubs off on you? What if you start having gay fantasies? The process is mind-boggling.

And so Christians shut themselves off. Christian schools and universities enforce strict guidelines about their students’ lives. Freedom is limited. Television channels are censored. Certain clothes are unacceptable. No boys in girls rooms, and vice versa. All because Christians are afraid of what they might do. Clearly, every self-respecting Christian wants to watch garbage on television, or wear mini-skirts, or (gasp) have sex before marriage. But they can’t. And they try as hard as they can not to. Because God says so. And that is what makes them a good person, right?

Absolutely not.

Let me explain. Going back to C.S. Lewis’ definition, to be moral is to be God-like. Now obviously that is a standard that none of us can live up to. God is certainly without sin. However, he is also without the desire for sin. God is certainly not sitting up there saying, “Man, I wish I could have an abortion.” And this is the problem with the modern Christian definition of sin. Christians believe that if they’re good, upstanding, moral people as long as they can avoid sin. However, to truly be moral, one must also be without the desire for sin.

Now this sounds like an awful lot to live up to. But so is living without sin. I believe that the problem is in the focus. Christianity focuses on not committing the act of sin. As I mentioned before, this philosophy is incredibly dangerous. People tend to shelter themselves away just to avoid the temptation. But slowly, all of these temptations build up, like a pot slowly boiling. All it takes is the slightest agitation for the pot to boil over.

I’ve seen it over and over again. Take, for instance, the college experience. So many people, despite popular conception, enter college fairly innocent. Peer pressure can be a remarkable thing, and many of these “innocent” teenagers are soon driven to the drunken revelry of the normal college lifestyle. Another common catalyst is a terrible situation, such as a family tragedy or bad break-up. Difficult times call into question why they were holding back all these things that they wanted to do all along.

So if right and wrong are instinctive, then why are these moral preconceptions broken so easily? It is because they are born in fear. Christians reluctantly hold themselves to these standards so that they don’t bring the “wrath of God” upon themselves. If God were to turn around for just a second, they would lose all of their inhibitions.

So what is the solution? The problem lies in the lack of exposure. Strength in your beliefs should come through experience. My belief in God is unyielding, fueled by how amazing life and all of its complexities can be. I know God exists because I have felt Him. The same philosophy can be applied to morality. If you truly want to do something, try it. Through experience, your moral compass should evaluate whether it was right or wrong. If you deem it wrong, then, as a good person, you will not want to do it again. Perhaps you do something you originally thought was wrong, but cannot find any reason in your moral fiber. In that case, maybe it’s not nearly as wrong as you thought it was.

And in such a way, one can strive to eliminate desire for that which is wrong. To achieve such is fleeting, to be sure. But as we strive to be worthy of God’s love, we can certainly strive to be moral human beings. Right and wrong should be based on choice, made through your relationship with God, not by restrictions and fear of consequences.